Words that change me: The Creative Rainbow Mother
Posted by Goddess Leonie on November 9th, 2010. Filed under: Mama Goddess.
Hola my darlinghearts,
I’ve been reading piles of books furiously this week, trying to search for words and wisdom and understanding about this thing I’m going through… this thing of mamahood and grieving my maiden life and trying to find my peace and joy and balance in this new skin I inhabit. Because I find it and lose it and find it and lose it and find it again. I wonder why other mamas seem to find it easy.
It’s not that I think I’m a crap mum by any means.
I know without a doubt that I really am a good mama. I know I am giving Ostara everything I have. I absolutely and whole-heartedly believe in my parenting style and what I am giving her.
It’s just… I find mamahood exhausting. And I crave my stillness. I crave creating. I crave that life I used to have. I created it to be my perfect blend of softness, creativity, quiet and adventures. And I still haven’t found my way back to a new kind of life that fits me like that did.
I get jealous when I read or hear that other goddesses are going to spend an afternoon reading in the sun, or spend the next couple of days finishing a creative project.
And then I judge the holy-dinger out of myself that mamahood isn’t fulfilling enough for me – that I still want these things of creativity, stillness and my inner world – when I have this beautiful daughter.
Writing this, I know the answer already. I know everything will be okay. I know I need to be gentle on myself. I know this is a normal part of transition, transformation and initiation into mamahood.
All I need do is sit, breathe and let the waves wash through my life.
I know I need to be outside, rest and be gentle on myself.
I know I need to unconditionally love, accept and adore who I am – just as I am.
I’ve always been bloody good at loving myself. It’s just this new mama self that I’m getting to know. It’s this new life of mine that I’m still finding the fit of.
But I digress.
I wanted to share with you some words I did find that helped.
It’s from the book “Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom” by Christiane Northrup. When I first read the first half of that book years ago, it was life changing. And I returned to it, craving its wisdom on motherhood.
And then I found this… these words that changed my life:
The author Lynn Andrews once wrote that there are two kinds of mothers: Earth Mothers and Creative Rainbow Mothers. Earth Mothers nurture their children and feed them – and they thrive on this. Our society rewards this kind of woman as the “good mother.”
Creative Rainbow Mothers, on the other hand, inspire their children without necessarily having meals on the table on time. I know that, beyond a doubt, I’m a Creative Rainbow Mother. I once read the cookery book “Laurel’s Kitchen” and fantasised about how wonderful it would be to bake bread daily and relish being what Laurel calls “The Keeper of the Keys” – and to create that ever-important nurturing home space. But this is not who I am – and to try to be something I’m not would ultimately do my children and I a great disservice. I love to be alone. I love to read. I love quiet and music and writing. My soul is fed by long hours of unbroken creative time. Young children require a much different type of energy – a type of energy I don’t have in abundance.
I can’t tell you the immense relief and lightbulbs I felt glowing inside me reading this.
I breathed them in, over and over again. Reading over and over again, eating them up, scarcely believing my eyes.
It was a long exhale of the soul.
I outlined it, dog-eared the page, read it outloud to Chris.
At last… here was a woman – a woman I respect – who understood. Who was teaching me a new way of motherhood. Who was giving me keys to really getting who I am – as a soul and as a mother.
I’m okay that mamahood kicks my ass. And when I am not okay, I will get okay again.
I’m okay that sometimes it seems like other mamas have adjusted easier than me.
I have my own superpowers.
And my very best superpower?
Is to be me.
Woman, soul, creator, artist, goddess, lover, mama.
A dear friend said to me last week:
You do know right? You know that Starry chose you to be her mama – not anyone else. She wanted you to be you, Leonie.
Oh. I see. At least, I am beginning to.
This life thing. It’s one big, beautiful journey of loving every part of the God inside us… divine, flawed, forgetful, wise, knowing, broken, alive, fragrant and blessed.
I love you,
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November 9th, 2010 at 2:34 am
I love so much that you posted this and shared not only your experiences but that there are other mamas going through the same thing. I felt so alone with my experience for 2 years, and this year I decided to try to figure it out. I started a blog in the spring, and the more I re-connect with the things that make me, me – the more I write. Over the weekend I decided to expand the contents on my “about me” page. So much of what you are articulating here, came out for me through that process of writing.
I talked about being a bit scared, being frustrated and feeling like i was never going to find ‘me’ again, but it’s coming together and I see much, much more of myself than I used to. Mamahood is such a curious thing – sometimes it seems like we learn more about ourselves through our children, or because of them than the other way around. It’s amazing – glad you are finding your path to enjoying it all.
November 9th, 2010 at 2:38 am
Im with you Leonie in that I found Motherhood exhausting!! I seemed to really struggle I was always someone’s wife or mother and somehow I lost “me” My friends seem to breeze through I thought but no one really knows their everyday life we can put on a facade and I always thought the grass was greener in their world! I didn’t find motherhood fulfilling,their constant needs drained me and I find it scary to admit that like it makes me less of a mother and Im not the mother I thought I would be.Makes me kinda sad too I felt a failure for a long time.But I think we are all different and there are different ways.I find joy in creative things that speak to my soul in a way motherhood never did.I accept now it doesn’t make me a bad mother for wanting more.It just means you have many many facets that need to be polished,motherhood is one creating is another etc.Don’t get me wrong I love my children but I also love life and creating and many different things they make up a whole person and these parts of me also need nurturing for me to feel whole.I think it makes you a better person and mama if your wellbeing is being refilled otherwise you would just be unhappy and depleted.You have many many gifts, and I thank you for sharing and for being part of your amazing cirlce you are a true Goddess in all senses.Blessings!
November 9th, 2010 at 2:57 am
oh, my. I am so incredibly happy that you have posted this. I feel the same way, and have felt the same way for the last three years. Its nice to hear what I have felt for a long time but never admitted to. Thank your for your words!
November 9th, 2010 at 3:32 am
OOOOHHHHHH, I copied these EXACT words into my journal a few years ago, EXACT. Thank you thank you for sharing them here, for sharing where you are as a mama. I had forgotten them. I needed to be reminded! It is so completely reassuring to know I am not alone, that you too share this path of wondering about mamahood. There are many kinds of mamas, there are many kinds of ways to give love to our children, baking bread is one way, but there are so many other ways too! My little one is on the cusp of his 6th birthday. I see that I still feel guilty about not being the bread baking kind of mama, and so easily forget that I have other gifts to offer him: my artistic creativity, my love of adventure, my fearlessness in following my dreams… Thank you thank you thank you for expressing all of this today Goddess Leonie! She did choose you didn’t she? My little guy chose me. What awesomeness we can give them!!! Yay!
I hope to meet you in my/your dreams too someday, it does seem like a perfect way to travel.
)
November 9th, 2010 at 6:32 am
you are speaking out what´s hidden in my soul since babyboy is here. 8 months of these ups and downs in my heart. i love my boy so much, but doing so hard with this new role in mamahood.
thank you so much for sharing!
November 9th, 2010 at 8:54 am
Yes. Yes. YES.
I am right there with you. I find it really hard to be a mother and to give and give and giveandgiveandgive and then to feel lucky if I get an hour a week completely to myself. I don’t thrive on mamahood…I got for long stretches of being completely OK and then I plunge into burnout and depression. It happens every few months.
Things are getting better (or at least different) as he gets older, but I still miss space and time and ME with a deep ache that never goes away completely. I try to be happy with filling my life with toddler-activities and housekeeping and cooking for my family…but it’s not enough. I start feeling like crap about everything. And then I rebel and avoid doing all of those things and Xander suffers and I feel like crap about that. And I can’t complain to my mother or to my friends because it ALWAYS reflects back on my parenting choices and leads to them judging me…and that doesn’t help anything.
I love the idea that to be the best mama you can be…is to be you. It makes me want to cocoon for a while and ponder the question: Who Am I? I seem to have forgotten…or to have trouble sorting it out from all the “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” and the mama-guilt and the loneliness. Who am I? How does my truest self parent? What lovely questions to ask!
November 9th, 2010 at 11:21 am
So, so, so much in agreement with you, Leonie!
I was the Earth Mother when I had my daughter nearly 18 years ago. Everything I did just flowed from an inner knowing of how to nurture my growing daughter. And it was good and I rejoiced.
And then my son came along nearly 6 years ago and everything was different and strange. And he wouldn’t be comforted by any one but me. And I thought ‘why is it so ding dang exhausting this time? Why isn’t he settling in? What’s wrong with me?’
It’s because this time I’m the Creative Rainbow Mother. I miss my creative alone time, my read a book for hours time. And I some times feel resentful because there are so many (12) years between the kids.
I’m slowly relearn much of what just came naturally with my daughter. And it does take time. Thanks for the reminder to just be the best me I can.
November 9th, 2010 at 11:53 am
Me too! This post is a whole big ‘me too’ moment for me.
“I wonder why other mamas seem to find it easy.” — you know, sometimes I think you are one of those other mamas! And I’m sure other mamas think it about me too! But we are all trying to find our way. I feel disappointed lately that I am not the mama I thought I would be – a cloth nappying baby wearing wholefoods feeding earth mother with a clean house, blissful relationship, etc etc. I really thought that is how I would do it! I still want to do it that way! But it is not me. So I am also grieving the perfect mama life I thought I would have, as well as my life that came before. But I am enough. I am doing a kickarse job too. Even when motherhood kicks my butt. Thank you for your words. You articulate the feelings in my heart. Love you xxoxoxo
November 9th, 2010 at 1:56 pm
Oh Goddess Sister Mama Friend,
This is such good medicine. I feel as though we are sitting together in in circle, sacred fires burning in the shadow of a great teepee. In perfect honest communication. You soul speaks to my soul. Your wisdom is like balm to my aching heart.
I try for the words, but all that comes is, “Yes, yes, thank you sister.”
Yes, yes, thank you sister.
All love,
Maggie Ann.
November 9th, 2010 at 2:03 pm
darlingest Leonie … i was and still am most definitely a Rainbow mothre – and now my boys are 18 and 20 and I couldn’t be prouder of who they are as young men. I fully believed that being a mum was not about sacrificing myself, but about being honest with my children so they grew up knowing the planet didn’t revolve around them. I absolutely didn’t neglect them or their needs, but I also worked from when my first born was 6 months old … working from home,and once my second was born, with a nanny who was with me two weeks on and two weeks off, and then another nanny who was also part time. I was always there when they needed me, but they weren’t the total focus of my attention all of the time. And I wanted to share about the poetry of an awesome woman poet I heard last night, especially her poem about just this thing, comparing herself with a male writer … Selina Tusitala Marsh. It is from her book Fast Talking PI … Wish I could find a version of the poem online, but can’t just now. My friend bought the book, so will try and get it for you. xxx
sg
November 9th, 2010 at 2:11 pm
oh my leonie,
i say this in the most loving way possible.
GIVE YOURSELF THE AFTERNOON OFF!!!
Give Starry to mr hotty, and tell him to bring her back when she needs feeding. then surround yourself with paints and paper and creativity (or books and tea and picnicky stuff)
and when mr hotty brings starry back to you, feed her and give her back, and go on with the show.
and when you are finished, you will have given yourself the chance to miss her, and your child the chance to be mothered by all the other people who love her, and you will start afresh.
i double-dog-dare ya.
November 9th, 2010 at 3:10 pm
I can’t believe how many of us are experiencing or have experienced the same thing! I’m so exhausted at the moment, physically and emotionally spent. I need my bubble back!
My now 4 year old darling Abbey has hit tantrum city and is painting the town all the colours of the rainbow! I’m always calm while she rages and instead of lovely days out and about I am struggling to do the simplest of things. I’m her only parent which makes it even harder, I don’t even shower alone most of the time! My extremely intelligent and adorably gorgeous sidekick has me in tears regularly. I know I’m a Rainbow Mother, I am very aware of how I speak to my children, with lots of love and affection, ‘I’ statements, not labelling her as ‘naughty’ but letting her know the behaviour is not appropriate, she has such a healthy diet, so as you can imagine I’m racking my brain to find the answers.
Is it just another stage? Is she angry with me for giving her needles 3 times a day? (Type 1 Diabetes) Do I trust my instincts and parenting skills and pray that ‘this too shall pass’? She screamed at me earlier today and said “I don’t love you!” and my goodness it hurt, realistically she is trying to express emotions and that’s her interpretation of it. She is so adorable and affectionate but the last week has been a mixed bag of emotions and I never know what is going to set her off next!
I have been feeling so isolated but my amazing sister bought me a car, it’s turquoise and has a heart shaped exhaust pipe! So shocked, amazed and grateful! I’ve named her ‘Venus’! So when these storms (real ones that Sydney is being subjected to) pass I want to get both of us to the beach, I need to feel cleansed by the ocean and walk barefoot in the sand! I want to be inspired and continue with my art or read a book! I want to drink a cup of soy chai by myself (meaning without 4 year old fingers or backwash in it!!!), I want a day to feel peaceful.
I have no doubt things will return to normal, as they do from stage to stage, but it is so helpful to know others have the same feelings and difficulties, sharing is so therapeutic in itself!
Goddess Blessings!
Liza xxx
November 11th, 2010 at 2:56 am
Hi Leonie, just wanted to send you some pink love light as you go along your Mama journey. So many decisions and choices and paths in our lives are made better and easier by trusting our own inner knowing and guidance and choosing to follow one’s heart especially in motherhood and regardless of what others expect is a courageous thing to do:)
November 12th, 2010 at 3:23 am
oh, thank you thank you thank you! Creative Rainbow mama, I love it! And actually, as my daughter gets older, i think she prefers the spontaneity of a rainbow mom. Typical scenario: ME – Oh my, it’s 5:30 already …
Daughter: I’m hungry … what’s for diinner?
Me: I could cook something or …
Daughter: Pizza!
Thankfully, she also likes creative leftovers (you gotta be creative with leftovers)
I too am a person who needs lots of down time and alone time. It is hard when they are little, but you will be surprised how self sufficient they become. My little cowgirl happily plays around my ankles while i write and often joins me (albeit, for a brief spell) when i create. Learning to be with yourself is a huge gift to pass on.
I am loving your gentleness with yourself as a mama … another great lesson to share with our daughters
xo Lis
November 30th, 2010 at 11:53 pm
I can’t tell you what a relief it is to read the above (AND all the comments!!!!). I have always felt like I am just a horrible parent (12 year old girl, and 4 year old boy) because they do exhaust me so, and because I DO so crave my alone time to read or meditate or create. What a balm to my chafed soul to read about others experiences with the same things! Thank you ALL for sharing all of this. I need to bookmark it and come back to this one regularly
December 1st, 2010 at 2:01 am
Wow. I’ve been terrified of becoming a Mother for the exact reasons that you’ve written down. I don’t think I could cope. Thanks for sharing all this with me because I think a new form of “motherhood” needs to be birthed for the new children that are coming in. Now I’m not afraid anymore although I know I will have my challenges like everyone else.
May 5th, 2011 at 6:09 am
Delighted to have found you. Have just picked up my copy of Women’s Bodies and this quote really touched a nerve with me too last night. I am SO a Creative Rainbow Mama. Found your wonderful blog when I was googling to find out more about the quote. Am linking to this post from my post on it.
Do stop by some time. Off to explore your blog now, so excited to have found it!
http://dreamingaloudnet.blogspot.com/2011/05/of-earth-mothers-and-creative-rainbow.html
October 19th, 2011 at 2:27 am
Wow. So I can stop beating myself up for not being an Earth Mother… I’m a Creative Rainbow Mother instead.
“I love to be alone. I love to read. I love quiet and music and writing. My soul is fed by long hours of unbroken creative time. Young children require a much different type of energy – a type of energy I don’t have in abundance.”
This is ME!
I thought that needing my time away (and more than it’s possible for me to have right now) meant I wasn’t a good mother. But this blog post has made me see me from a different perspective. I’m still a good mother, I’m just not an Earth Mother, and my son chose ME, so he must want me to be Who I Am, not who I think I should be for him.
Thank you, Goddess Leonie. It feels like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and that I can accept myself just the way I am.
And your sequel to the PND post has reassured me that things gets easier as our little ones get older. Phew!