My job…
Posted by Goddess Leonie on February 8th, 2010. Filed under: Joyful Goddess Life.
This last month has been one of the most difficult ones I’ve had in a long, long time.
Usually, I’m someone who can see the joy & blessings in most everything.
Instead, you could have found me in a corner, saying over and over:
January, please stop sucking giant panda balls… Please, please, stop sucking so much.
It sucked in six different flavours – so much oofy, ucky, ARGH!y life stuff all happening at once.
The important things didn’t suck – my love is still the most beautiful, hot man on the planet. Little Mermaid is still showing me every single day just how strong she is with her magical movements.
But there was so many other things that did. Drama after drama after drama. I’d talk about it, but that would mean reliving the suckfulness of it all.
And at some point two weeks ago, the drama + stress + OMG! I can’t have this drama & stress! I’m really smigging pregnant! + a crazy busy business + going back to work full-time made the equation = Burnout.
I started crying a lot. And experienced the return of the panic attacks. And felt so awful, exhausted and utterly drained out that I went into Emergency Fix This.
And it was worsened because I kept on thinking:
You can’t feel this way. This is affecting Little Mermaid!
And I’d say back to myself:
But I do. And if I could do anything to stop feeling this way, I would – in a heartbeat! Do you think I like feeling this awful? I don’t. And you reminding me that this is hurting Little Mermaid hurts me even more.
So the two parts of me called a truce for a while.
No more judgement. Just allowing the possibility that maybe – just maybe – it was okay for me to feel awful. Just for now. Just while it was happening.
And that felt like a soft, kind breeze of allowing… instead of being held too tight in a corset of Having-All-My-Shit-Together.
I went to see my midwife. I went to my doctor. And both of them said to me:
You know, with all the things that are happening right now, it’s understandable you feel the way you do.
Oh.
Maybe, just maybe, I wasn’t supposed to be some kind of superwoman here.
Maybe, just maybe, it was okay for me to be human – the kind of human I am.
So I started the process {again} of healing.
I had days in bed. I stopped talking for a while. I gave myself the gift of falling apart so that my castle could be rebuilt again. I found a VA who is all kinds of wonderful. I stopped being a Do Queen.
I gave myself all the things I needed.
I stopped worrying about all the crappiness. The more I worried about all the things that were wrong, the more I couldn’t see what was going right. The more I lost faith that maybe, just maybe, everything was working out the way it needed to – for everyone.
I let myself fall out of faith… and fall into it again, when the time was right.
And I reach out to ask for help.
Last night, I ran a warm bath, anointing it with essential oils and rock salt. I submerged myself in it, the twilight making my skin luminescent blue. I sent out my spirit to speak with my mentor, to tell her all the things that are in my energy right now. My mobile phone goes off, and I wrap Chris’ towel around me to shuffle out to it – my mentor has sent me a message to let me know she hears me.
The bedroom beckons me. Our bed scoops me and my full, round belly up. It is still early, but it is time to return to DreamLand.
I dream deep dreams all night – medicine dreams. In one, I see our Little Mermaid being led out of the stars to us by our ancestors. I see my brother, my Great-Uncle John, my grandmother, my spirit-guide horse Rebble. And I see my love and I waiting for her on the earth, but we are not alone. We are surrounded by a half moon of those still on this plane who love us – our families and friends. And their love for us shines like a beacon light, and our star ancestors can see us because of this light.
And I am told Little Mermaid is strong and bright. But not strong as in athletic – though she may be – but strong as in strong of spirit. Strong as in knowing of her destiny, and her own soul. And bright – not as in super brainy smart – though she may choose to be or not – but bright as in having the brightest, shining soul light around.
I wake up, and Chris leans over to rub my back, then scoops me up in the sweep of his arm. Our cheeks pressed together, we breathe together until he falls asleep again.
I look out the window, and it is early dawn. For the first time in a long, long month, I awake feeling hopeful and full of light. I’d been feeling so disconnected, cut-off and lost from my guides and helpers and the Great Flow of life lately… that to feel again that I’ve been held by angels as I’ve slept is a relief.
And maybe that is the whole mystery behind this:
That while I have slept, I have been held by angels.
Even when I didn’t believe. Even when I hurt. Even when I couldn’t see it.
The love, medicine and guidance was all around me.
Throughout the day, I think of the card of the teacher, the Hierophant.
And as we drive along the mountains, I hear the words:
Your job is not to get cranky or negative… your job is to get enlightened.
That is what you are here for. Anyone can react. Anyone can meet the negative with the negative.
But you? You can do more. You can be the light. You can let the love in.
These days, they are strong and full of medicine. And potent as they may be… I wouldn’t have them any other way.
big love you,
February 8th, 2010 at 4:52 pm
So happy this post had a happy ending. And that you gave yourself permission to not always be super woman. I know that can be really really difficult, so I’m impressed that you were able to give that to yourself
Sending lovely wishes your way…
February 8th, 2010 at 4:56 pm
January was a hard month for many. A time for growth. If I could have hidden away in a cave I would have! But along came February, and with it renewed hope and vitality. I’m not sure what January was about? But I’m lsure it has made us stronger.
With love Julie
February 9th, 2010 at 12:08 am
You are a light, Leonie.
Every day you impress me with your luminosity, and your courage. I admire how willing you are to tell the world that sometimes you don’t have all the answers, that sometimes you really do feel like exploding, that you occasionally panic….
Rejoice in your humanity and all its frailties. You wouldn’t be the wonderful you that you are without it.
All my love,
Sonia.
February 9th, 2010 at 12:36 am
Dearest Leonie: Thank you sharing this with us. I have been feeling this way for a long time. You have given me pause and hope that this too shall pass. The Radiant Goddess course has helped a lot and this just adds to the benefits. Always, Always take care of yourself–if you do this you will be able to take better care of your loved ones. Melinda
February 9th, 2010 at 1:07 am
Sweetest one,
So sorry to hear of your struggles but as you and Sone said in your videos, no matter where you are or what you are doing, “It’s Perfect!” And, wow, that dream of your baby’s spirit just blew me away. How awesome was that??? Spectacular!!
My apologies for sending you an email – as soon as I pushed send I remembered I could have asked Sone or your assistant. I didn’t mean to bother you. I did find the URL hidden in my bookmarks.
I’m so glad you are almost done with your cubicle job and can do your mama job full time SOON.
Hugs and kisses, Loran
February 9th, 2010 at 1:23 am
Hey Leonie,
You’ll be alright. Sending you love. Thanks for the inspiring post… it really stirred something in me. Really, thank you. Love you too
Andrew
February 9th, 2010 at 1:27 am
Oh dear one – such a beautifully honest, raw and brave piece! I know so well how self judgment creeps in the back door and I beat myself up for letting it all get to me and then someone so wisely says “of course you would be feeling this way!” So much is happening in your life – it is like the snowglobe has been given a vigorous shake and everything is swirling around you. And how wise to recognize you just have to be still and let all everything settle to the bottom before proceeding further. And your little mermaid is learning so much from your energy – especially the art of going off balance and learning how to right oneself. The very best of teachers show us their frailties, their struggles to learn and grow. By sharing their practice (every day baby, we are practicing ‘cuz we don’t have it all down yet!) others are inspired to start where they are.
Big hugs to you – so amazing to know forces are always at work for our best interest even when we are distracted. Maybe we need to be distracted so we don’t get in the way of the magic making?
Yes, it is all Purrfect! ♥ As my little Cowgirl often reminds me: “Mommy, take a deep breath!” Oh, and singing and dancing help too
love ‘ya like crazycakes!
lis
February 9th, 2010 at 2:11 am
Hi, Leonie. I’ve stopped by a few times, but this is my first time to leave a comment. Your post reminded me of an affirmation one of my students actually taught me: “Superwoman no longer resides here.” I use it often, and it always helps!
Namaste’
Leslie
February 9th, 2010 at 3:13 am
Hello sweet sister,
I love that you are so brave to admit the suckfulness of it all. There will be times when you simply cannot be enlightened, when the cycle goes under again and the time for growth and learning takes place. This makes us so cranky-we can’t help it. Growth hurts. But then! We feel the enlightenment that comes from the learning cycle and hopefully we get to hang out there for a little while before being pulled asunder again, eh? To be awake is a great responsibility. It means we have to be courageous during all of the cycles. Being pregnant made me want to be in a constant state of repressing some negativity, but it cannot be so. It is the business of the mother to fret a bit and worry a little while fluffing her nest.
Be kind to yourself, dear love. It’s much harder to do when life is throwing you panda balls. But babies bring with them many challenges, and coming to the place you just did is a triumph to keep in your pocket-that you remember how to take care of your soul (and babe’s) during the times that are sucky. You’re doing a great job of being a light in the world, even when you don’t feel you are!
LOVE YOU SO MUCH,
pixie
February 9th, 2010 at 5:18 am
The part about angels holding you, even when you are sleeping, even without you noticing, reminding me of this poem…
http://www.amandashome.com/footprints.html
luv ya sis
February 9th, 2010 at 9:19 am
You have no idea how I needed to read this. Though I can only imagine feelings all of this and being pregnant.
Today, I just remembered to just surrender and release. Once I said that to myself ten times, I begin to feel better. And feel at peace.
I send you, Chris and your beautiful little mermaid to be much love.
February 9th, 2010 at 12:02 pm
I love that you have such a clear vision of your dreams. Even after a rough spell… you are still in touch with your light. You inspire me so much.
I have a question for you… answer or not… whatever you have energy for:
How does one find a mentor or guru?
February 10th, 2010 at 1:08 am
Dearest Leonie,
Awful January had me in it’s grasp too. There are still after-waves of it’s tsunami hit, but I have come out knowing a lot more-which was NO comfort at the time, I assure you! I know how my body works now. I know how my husband feels and thinks about our family and future. I know what my concsience sounds like. Awful, but it had to happen. The other side is brighter and clearer. I am repeatedly reminded that things happen for a reason, however dificcult at the time. This may be just a lot of rambling..but what I am trying to say is I know. And I send you and your little family all my love.
February 10th, 2010 at 4:33 pm
Oh you dearest souls… thank you so much… I feel so held and heard and supported.
All of your wisdom, love and comfort fills up my cup so much. I am so grateful to know every single one of you… through this beautiful web we are making here.
Big, big love
xoxoxoxxo
Goddess Leonie
February 11th, 2010 at 12:27 am
Leonie, that made me tear up.
Thank you.
February 11th, 2010 at 5:06 am
Sending love and hugs your way! See: <3 & ((HUGS))
February 14th, 2010 at 1:44 pm
January, please stop sucking giant panda balls…”
That is hilarrrious.
You are so strong, Goddess Leonie, and an inspiration to us all