This last month has been one of the most difficult ones I’ve had in a long, long time.
Usually, I’m someone who can see the joy & blessings in most everything.
Instead, you could have found me in a corner, saying over and over:
January, please stop sucking giant panda balls… Please, please, stop sucking so much.
It sucked in six different flavours - so much oofy, ucky, ARGH!y life stuff all happening at once.
The important things didn’t suck - my love is still the most beautiful, hot man on the planet. Little Mermaid is still showing me every single day just how strong she is with her magical movements.
But there was so many other things that did. Drama after drama after drama. I’d talk about it, but that would mean reliving the suckfulness of it all.
And at some point two weeks ago, the drama + stress + OMG! I can’t have this drama & stress! I’m really smigging pregnant! + a crazy busy business + going back to work full-time made the equation = Burnout.
I started crying a lot. And experienced the return of the panic attacks. And felt so awful, exhausted and utterly drained out that I went into Emergency Fix This.
And it was worsened because I kept on thinking:
You can’t feel this way. This is affecting Little Mermaid!
And I’d say back to myself:
But I do. And if I could do anything to stop feeling this way, I would - in a heartbeat! Do you think I like feeling this awful? I don’t. And you reminding me that this is hurting Little Mermaid hurts me even more.
So the two parts of me called a truce for a while.
No more judgement. Just allowing the possibility that maybe - just maybe - it was okay for me to feel awful. Just for now. Just while it was happening.
And that felt like a soft, kind breeze of allowing… instead of being held too tight in a corset of Having-All-My-Shit-Together.
I went to see my midwife. I went to my doctor. And both of them said to me:
You know, with all the things that are happening right now, it’s understandable you feel the way you do.
Oh.
Maybe, just maybe, I wasn’t supposed to be some kind of superwoman here.
Maybe, just maybe, it was okay for me to be human - the kind of human I am.
So I started the process {again} of healing.
I had days in bed. I stopped talking for a while. I gave myself the gift of falling apart so that my castle could be rebuilt again. I found a VA who is all kinds of wonderful. I stopped being a Do Queen.
I gave myself all the things I needed.
I stopped worrying about all the crappiness. The more I worried about all the things that were wrong, the more I couldn’t see what was going right. The more I lost faith that maybe, just maybe, everything was working out the way it needed to - for everyone.
I let myself fall out of faith… and fall into it again, when the time was right.
And I reach out to ask for help.
Last night, I ran a warm bath, anointing it with essential oils and rock salt. I submerged myself in it, the twilight making my skin luminescent blue. I sent out my spirit to speak with my mentor, to tell her all the things that are in my energy right now. My mobile phone goes off, and I wrap Chris’ towel around me to shuffle out to it - my mentor has sent me a message to let me know she hears me.
The bedroom beckons me. Our bed scoops me and my full, round belly up. It is still early, but it is time to return to DreamLand.
I dream deep dreams all night - medicine dreams. In one, I see our Little Mermaid being led out of the stars to us by our ancestors. I see my brother, my Great-Uncle John, my grandmother, my spirit-guide horse Rebble. And I see my love and I waiting for her on the earth, but we are not alone. We are surrounded by a half moon of those still on this plane who love us - our families and friends. And their love for us shines like a beacon light, and our star ancestors can see us because of this light.
And I am told Little Mermaid is strong and bright. But not strong as in athletic - though she may be - but strong as in strong of spirit. Strong as in knowing of her destiny, and her own soul. And bright - not as in super brainy smart - though she may choose to be or not - but bright as in having the brightest, shining soul light around.
I wake up, and Chris leans over to rub my back, then scoops me up in the sweep of his arm. Our cheeks pressed together, we breathe together until he falls asleep again.
I look out the window, and it is early dawn. For the first time in a long, long month, I awake feeling hopeful and full of light. I’d been feeling so disconnected, cut-off and lost from my guides and helpers and the Great Flow of life lately… that to feel again that I’ve been held by angels as I’ve slept is a relief.
And maybe that is the whole mystery behind this:
That while I have slept, I have been held by angels.
Even when I didn’t believe. Even when I hurt. Even when I couldn’t see it.
The love, medicine and guidance was all around me.
Throughout the day, I think of the card of the teacher, the Hierophant.
And as we drive along the mountains, I hear the words:
Your job is not to get cranky or negative… your job is to get enlightened.
That is what you are here for. Anyone can react. Anyone can meet the negative with the negative.
But you? You can do more. You can be the light. You can let the love in.
These days, they are strong and full of medicine. And potent as they may be… I wouldn’t have them any other way.
big love you,
